Still just Tina

Life's a journey not a destination And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings. - Amazing

These lines by Aerosmith often run through my head (of course, once they do, I'm singing the whole song, with botched words and hmmm, hmmmm, hmmmms for the ones I don't know). But these two sentences are one of my mantras these days. Not a bad one to have.

I want to share some insights about a thought-provoking article I read yesterday about a woman who was traumatized by breast cancer and the scars left on her body by the treatments. She said cancer ruined her life and her body.

I can't identify with a lot of what the woman said, because I'm a far more positive person, but I can identify with her feelings that cancer changed her life. I wrote about some of the positive changes yesterday.

On the negative side, I commmiserate with her fear. I do believe I'm going to beat this disease and be cancer free at the end of treatments. But I will fear, the rest of my life, its return. In the end, it may be treated like a chronic disease, like diabetes. But who knows what new treatments research will bring as I travel down this road (using the money raised by Team Tina!). I will need to learn to manage that fear so it doesn't debilitate me. Because I need to take advantage of every day, month, year and decade given to me.

Apparently, some women experience a loss at the end of their treatments when they should be happy the cancer is gone. They feel immobilized by the fear it will return. When the constant treatment and follow up is finished, it's a free fall period of waiting and hoping. I don't know how I'll react at this stage, but I can already understand this fear. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I could also identify with this woman's dislike of her body after the surgery - and I haven't even had the surgery yet. She felt disfigured and ruined. The interviewer in the book encouraged her to look at her body and marvel at its healing abilities.

I already have lots of scars on my body and this surgery is going to add one doozey. I'm trying to mentally prepare for the scars and the recovery process. It's hard, but look at the alternative - not having surgery means dying of cancer. Not even an option. So cut away, doctor, because my body will heal.

In one major respect, I'm very different than the woman in the article. She let cancer and what it did to her body identify her very being. I know I am so many more things than just cancer. I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, writer, athlete, skydiver, crazy person, who is also currently fighting cancer.

While the cancer experience is changing me, like any major experience in life, at the core of who I am, I'm still just Tina. I may live, laugh and love a little more intensely, but it's for the same reasons I had before my diagnosis.

With lots of love on this Friday morning,
Tina