A shift in focus

I wasn't even going to write today. I felt like I had nothing to say. But once Michael and the kids left this morning and the quiet settled in, I started thinking (I do a lot of that these days without the chaos of normal life filling that gap).

I realized, if I'm to be true to this journey, I have to capture my feelings for today.

I woke up exhausted - physically and emotionally. Yesterday, the Run for Ovarian Cancer was absolutely amazing. I loved seeing everyone and feeling the undeniable support and love. But I also realized how much I miss being at work and interacting its people every day. I miss the random conversations. I miss going to the gym. I miss the sense of purpose from the work.

Thankfully, you, my friends and family are amazing at staying in touch. Not a day goes by that I don't get a phone call, email or text message. If not, this would be a very lonely - and much tougher - journey.

I think I'm also feeling the post-run blues. For the last four weeks, I've logged into the Run for Ovarian Cancer website to track the participants and the fundraising total. I've eagerly anticipated the day when I would be able to see all my supporters and give them a hug. Now that it's done, the anticipation of this fun event is over.

Following the run was a distraction. Concentrating on the race allowed me to push the focus off me, my disease and the next steps. If I really admit it to myself, I'm scared. The invasive surgery is coming up and more chemotherapy. I want to move forward with these actions because they're what will make me better (and I truly believe I will beat this). But they won't be enjoyable activities.

The run also played on my emotions in ways I didn't expect. It was tear-jerking to hear someone say every single person involved in the event stood behind me, as a woman with ovarian cancer. The daughter of Ann Crowley, who started the race, talked to me yesterday and told me to keep fighting. Members of an ovarian cancer support group approached me with information on their meeting times. Organizers wanted to meet me as the person who provided the impetus to Team Tina. Even hearing the researchers talk about all they do to work with patients and find ways to detect, treat and beat this disease touched me.

As a result, I feel like an emotional basket case today.

And to top it off, I've got a cold.

This morning, I read (for the third or fourth time) a book with questions and answers about ovarian cancer. It helps me mentally deal with what I'm going through and prepare for the next steps.

So, the plan for today is to rest and rejeuvenate physically and mentally so I can refocus on this disease and prepare for the fight to come.

Tina