When my doctor told me to prepare for the worst and then live each day, I felt angry. It felt like she was declaring my diagnosis a definitive death sentence; like she wasn't even giving me a chance.
But last night Michael and I went to get wills drawn up. Yes, I know, we should have done that 11 years ago when Noah was born. We've been chastised. We know better. Still, we hadn't done it. But now that the process is underway, I feel slightly liberated.
I did all the research into our life insurance, pension plans and investments to gather the information for the lawyer. It's now all in one place. It's a process I knew should be done, but never had. The cancer diagnosis was the impetus. Yet, it shouldn't take a serious illness to prompt action.
Tragically, people die in accidents every day. We wouldn't have been prepared if that happened to Michael or me.
So while I know it's a lot of work, I encourage everyone to have a will, power of attorney, living will and a file folder containing all the necessary documents. I'm still working on my file folder. For some reason, I can't find my marriage licence. Sheesh. Almost fourteen years later, I'm missing a critical document. So much for my haphazard filing system.
I'm not sure I'm quite prepared for the worst mentally. Of course, I've thought about it. But I don't think one can really prepare until the doctor says there's no hope. Besides, it doesn't fit with my belief that I'm going to beat this blasted cancer.
On a health note, my ascities (fluid in my belly) is coming back. I'm not happy being all round like Santa, because it makes me anything but jolly. I know the chemo helped bring it down last time so I'm hoping I can wait until next Friday's treatment so I don't have to go through the painful puncturing process of being drained.
Yet, I have a slight cold. Now I need prayers my white blood cell levels will get high enough by next Friday so they don't have to postpone treatment. I'd be devastated.
I think I'm trying to do too much on the days I feel great. I felt so good yesterday, it felt as though I were playing hooky from work (sorry Colleen and Rachael). But I'm more tired today. I guess I just have to listen to my body and get used to the roller coaster of side effects this illness brings.
Oh, and I wanted to mention to those who visit - you don't have to bring anything with you when you come. I'd love to see just you.
Finally, go Team Tina! We now have at least 50 registered participants raising money for ovarian cancer research. I appreciate the efforts of all the runners and am thankful for every dollar donated to this researcher, who may find ways to directly improve my life.
I hope you enjoy this beautiful day before the rain comes.
Love, Tina
Hey girlfriend....OKAY...so, here is the thing...remember, "Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." That being said, you are absolutely right - you can't prepare for the worst...as it contradicts your very fight.
ReplyDeleteYes...you know the stats. Now...bury that in the back of your mind and let that get filed...purposefully in a haphazard filing system. ;-) This is one thing you don't need right now.
Stay positive. Remember, I told you to go get "THE SECRET"? You will be amazed if you watch this DVD. It has got me through the toughest times in my life these past three years, and each time I feel myself going into the negative, I watch it again or read the book (YUP, got that one too...just cuz I have to keep slapping myself silly sometimes).
I recently read three quotes in one of my books called, "The Strangest Secret" by Earl Nightingale. He quoted, "Believe and Succeed". He also said, "In the Bible, you'll read in Mark 9:23: "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth".
He went on to say, the greatest law in the universe is this, "If you think in negative terms, you will achieve negative results. If you think in positive terms, you will achieve positive results".
William Shakespeare put it this way: "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing attempt."
So...you start your own Mantra, whatever suits you..whether it is "Believe and Succeed"...or whatever may grab you...and remember....stay positive...
I know its tough...I cannot even imagine this...but YOU CAN DO THIS...
I love you my VBGF!
Rachna
And by the way.... you are so right...a will is important... Your diganosis has actually pushed me into drawing up my will too.
ReplyDeleteControl that which you can. And in this case, you have done this important thing!
The rest... "Let go, and Let God."...
Doctors always seem to want you to prepare for the worst, but still remain positive.
ReplyDeleteTina, I want you to prepare to live a long, and fulfilling life. That is what I want for you.
Wills, and powers of attorney always seem to be the last things we think about doing. I believe it is because alot of people associate it with death and dying, but in actual fact it is about living. Once you have done it, then you can get on to the business of living your life.
You are in my prayers darlin, and your white blood cells will be high enough for the chemo treatment. There will be no postponing of these treatments. Delays are not in the plans.
Team Tina - what an inspirational group - there is a quote by Margaret Mead, which is appropriate for this group - "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has". Go Team Tina!
Enjoy this beautiful day darlin.
Love Jane