You know it's not one of my best days when my beverage of choice is tea instead of my perfectly connocted cup of java. Yet, it's a ginger and green tea day because I'm hoping its antioxidants and stomach-quelling properties will work on my toxin-filled body.
I'm right into the nasty side effects of round two of chemo. I seem to be able to handle the first day or two with the minor nausea (for which I have lots of drugs) and tiredness, but when the aching starts deep in the marrow of my bones in my legs and ribs, my spirits nosedive. The pain saps all my strength and I sit like a useless lump.
Part of my problem is that I feel guilty about it. There are so many things I could be doing around my house or with my kids. Yesterday, I sat outside in the shade (no beautiful sun for my skin) and watched Michael wash and wax the motorcycle . . . and felt like I should be helping.
I wanted to go for a walk but didn't think I could find the energy to put one foot in front of the other. I was bored mentally, but physically couldn't do more than sit and stare at a beautiful day.Yet I didn't even enjoy it because of my state of mind. How pathetic.
I was grumpy to my family. I didn't want to talk on the phone. I stayed away from the computer for the most part. I simply closed in on myself. Perhaps not the smartest move for my emotional well being, but I couldn't help myself.
Yesterday depressed me. I am not used to being this inactive. I like to feel productive. I woke up grumpy again today and was afraid the trend would continue.
But, my wise sister reminded me this morning that it's my job to get better and the chemo is going to take its toll on my body. I have to be able to accept (as much as I can) these days when the chemicals are killing off the cells - because feeling bad is how I know they are working. And I have to try to let go of the guilt of trying to accomplish something, because this job is bigger than any I've ever tackled before.
So I'm trying. Just talking to her this morning lifted my spirits. Perhaps I can shake the blue mental funk so I can handle the physical symptoms a little better today - and be a better wife and mom this evening.
Tina
hi Honey,,,
ReplyDeletefeeling the blue funk heh? it's ok, it's alright.. Mikey thinks THIS is tough? Wait till MENOPAUSE!!!!! hahah (sorry to all the men out there)
Mrs Bratscher, you have the permission of EVERYONE around you, that including husband, kids, family, clan mates, friends,and acquaintances to feel the way you do. You have the permission, of above said, to be grumpy, sad, tired, weak, lazy, bored, angry, emotional, tearful, fearful at any point of any day until the chemo is done and the cancer is gone. Take it, run with it, milk the system, you know that what ever you throw at us we'll take because we all love you and we're here on the side lines cheering for you. We won't let you down, we won't give up on you because you're miserable, just don't give up on yourself. We understand when you don't turn your computer on or write emails back to us, we'll just sit back and wait..
you're doing a fabulous job, I'm sorry you're not feeling physically strong enough right now, but it'll all come back in time,, you'll see.
love you honey girl
xoxo (sorry for the long response)
Your sister's right - you have a very important job to do right now and that is to support you body as it fights the bad guy. Listen to your body! It's telling you to rest on the outside so it can get the job done on the inside.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear it's such a drain mentally, too. Maybe something to take your mind off it? A movie? A nap? Sitting in the shade watching the wind in the trees?
Take care, Jen
Good afternoon darlin.
ReplyDeleteListen to you buddy Diane. You are entitled to feel however you want to feel. Just don't give up fighting. You need to rid yourself of those nasty cancer bugs.
Just sit in the shade, listen to the wind, it is telling you a story. Listen to the birds, they are singing you a song. Listen to your heart, it is pumping strong healthy blood through your viens. Listen to your friends and family, they love you whether you are happy, sad, angry, or whatever emotion may hit you on a daily basis.
We are blessed to have you in our lives. Be whatever you want to be. We will be here for you.
Love Jane
Hey cuddled with the tea take it in. Cry, be angry at the cancer and tell it to go away. I know how frustating it is when you have no choice but to be inactive. This is the problem, it is not by your choice, but beleive me if you are feeling bad just think of how bad the cancer feels being bombarded by the bullets of chemo. Every day you feel tired and drained the cancer is feeling worse. HANG TOUGH.Call me if you need I remember being so mad that I planted my daffodil's in the rain while crying because I just would not let it win..
ReplyDelete