Feeling selfish

As I slowly climb out of post-chemo, I'm feeling a bit selfish. I've concentrated on me, me, me so much that I block almost everyone else out. I'm not sure I can help myself, because it takes so much darn energy to heal, get chemo and deal with the side effects, but it certainly doesn't make me feel like a good person.

I feel the fog lifting (again) and I can once again see the world around me. I notice my wonderful husband, who sits beside me while I whine and moan. He takes over the household, cares for the kids, rubs my back, gets me Tylenol and checks on my condition. In return, he gets little response and lethargic thanks.

I am grateful for the consistent company and unfailing spirit of my sister, who sits through the six hours of chemotherapy with me, providing snacks and encouragement. She also calls and emails me regularly, and puts up with my chemo funks.

I thank God for the resilience of my kids who seem to be going with the flow and understand when I get weepy from treatment and have little energy to share with them. I'm lucky they're at an age where they're fairly self sufficient. But Noah also needs my help and attention because of his bipolar diagnosis and I often don't have the energy or patience to deal with it. Hopefully, I'll be able to concentrate more on helping him after I get through the rest of my treatments.

And again, I'm thankful to the friends and family who make up my village. You who check on me (even when I'm grumpy and bad about responding), provide food, child care, prayers and support in its many forms. I know I'm not a good friend/wife/sister/daughter right now. I am thankful for your tolerance and patience.

During my appointment with the social worker last week, she reinforced one of my thoughts. I'd rather be fighting cancer - as crappy as it is - than watch someone I love go through this. While I don't have a lot of control, I can fight, complain and deal with the treatment. I feel like I'm doing something. Others around me can only watch, worry and wish they could help. I know others would willingly take part of this burden to make it easier for me - and I thank your good intentions.

So thank you for your unselfish support from your selfish friend,
Tina