It's cruely ironic that as the good news keeps coming in, I feel sicker and sicker. I didn't really feel sick before. Sure, I had that bothersome ascities but I was still strong, moving around and generally felt healthy. Now the tumours are gone, my CA-125 level is getting better and I feel like crap.
Yeah, I know this is the week post chemo and I'm supposed to feel bad, but I'm so sick and tired of this. I feel pursued by dementors from Harry Potter and they're trying to ensure I'm never cheerful again. (Yes, I'm watching the movies and reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in anticipation of the new movie next week.)
It's also ironic that I have time to pursue reading, movies, relaxing, etc. but I don't really enjoy it because I don't feel well. I know I'm terrible company, and I feel bad for Michael because he has difficult days at work and then comes home to me as a moaning lump.
But while I layed around in bed most of yesterday, today I got up, showered early and am in my living room. I'm determined today will be better. I will go for a walk. I want to get my body functioning properly again. I'm not sure how exactly, but I've got to try.
I have to admit, I'm a little worried about my general health and the funk that accompanies it. I don't like this me.
I know some of my writing creates discomfort because of its brutal honesty and graphic details, but I feel compelled to be as honest as possible on this journey. And these past couple weeks with the side effects from my surgery and chemo have been pretty terrible. But I guess that's just part of fighting ovarian cancer. No one said it was going to be easy.
But I'm done complaining. I've done it for days now. I'm hoping today will be better and that I'm starting down the road to recovery. Then I can regroup and gear up for next time. I hope this will be the worst of the treatments, but I can't be sure.
So I hope to have my cheerful, optimistic self back soon so I can keep fighting - and so my blogs are my enjoyable to read.
Hoping for healthiness,
Tina
LOL - I love that even when you're "down and complaining" that you still are funny enough to compare the effects of chemo to Dementors. Be funnier.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
M
Okay girlfriend...so, have you thought of it this way? Your cancer is almost completely eradicated and the reason this precautionary chemo (three more rounds to go) are making you feel ill, is because there is LITTLE cancer, if any, left?
ReplyDeleteIts okay that you are down in the dumps emotionally (you are entitled)...and feeling the physical demons of the chemo. Part of it may be that you KNOW you have fought almost all of it. And now, you are more relaxed so your body is kicking in all these side effects you read about before. Remember, its a different body after the surgery. The parts that the chemo was going to attack before AREN'T there anymore!
Just hang in there. Keep your mind busy with other things...movies, books...and yes, emails from friends and Facebook plus your blog!
We all love you...and remember, this too shall pass!!
put your runners on and go for a run... that always made you feel better! hahah,,, i know, i know, i can be SUCH a bitch sometimes,,, that's why you love me like you do!! my wit and sarcasm... Tina, one day,, just one day at a time honey and soon the wind will be blowing through our bristle as we whistle down the road on our bikes...
ReplyDeleteDo you need me to bring over Harry Potter 7? I have two copies :)
ReplyDeleteTina, you're doing amazing and just think: even though you don't feel that well now... it means that you'll feel even better in the future! Just rest up and enjoy the fact that you're almost there!
Lots of love and hugs!