Irrational fears

Staying in the sun too long, injuring myself, exercising too much, germs, taking too much medication - these are all my new irrational fears. And I hate them.

Of course, I've got the very real ones swirling around in my head too. In fact, I had a terrible nightmare about my upcoming surgery Thursday night that had my moods swinging like a pendulum yesterday (angry, hopeful, pessimistic, positive, depressed). I read a book about treating ovarian cancer written by Harvard physicians shortly before bed and I think the information invaded my subconscious to appear in my dream.

But it's my irrational fears that drive me crazy. When I go for a walk, I slather on the sunscreen and cover my bald head, but I still worry I'm getting too much sun. The chemotherapy treatments make me more prone to the damaging effects of the sun (and skin cancer) so I have to be extra careful. I'm going to a garden wedding today so I'll don my SPF45 and jaunty straw hat, and try to push the fear from my mind.

As for injuring myself, I've had two minor accidents in the past few weeks that prove my body isn't bleeding or healing the same way. A couple of weeks ago, as I was enjoying a walk, I tripped over a jutting piece of sidewalk to hurtle head first toward the cement. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to twist my body so most of it fell on the grass. But I cut my palm. It bled briefly, but because my blood doesn't clot the same way, I never got a scab. As a result, I had an open flesh wound for about a week.

Then there was my unfortunate (and stupid) incident with the treadmill on Wednesday. I have an open treadmill burn on my knee. It isn't scabbing and closing, so I cover it with antibiotic cream and bandaids. It's going to look gorgeous at the wedding today.

I've already discussed the fears of exercising too much and tiring myself out, and the presence of germs in other blogs. Enough said.

Medication, in its many forms, are another irrational fear. I worry about taking too many antacids and what they're doing to my stomach as I try to cool the heartburn I experience from the chemotherapy. I use a anti-anxiety medication to help me sleep, but it can be addictive. I also wonder if the pain medication I take to stave off the deep bone pain will produce any lasting side effects.

Of course, I fear the chemo will cause long-term damage to my stomach, lungs or extremeties (apparently some people can temporarily or permanently lose sensation in their hands and feet due to chemo). Okay, so that last worry may not be so irrational.

We all have worries, mine have just expanded to include the ones associated with cancer - as real or imagined as they may be. It's just another aspect of this journey with which I'm dealing.

But as I mentioned, I have a wedding today so the fears can take a back seat (they often do when I'm participating in social events). I'll toast the happy couple, enjoy time with my family, and sit back and enjoy the day. Luckily, it's a beautiful one.

Enjoy your sunny Saturday,
Tina