Trying

I feel I'm on a roller coaster. Many days, I'm zipping over the peaks of the ride. I'm positive, I'm enjoying the adventure and I'm anticipating the thrills of the highs to come. But over the weekend, I rode the downward slope.

I didn't hit bottom. I'm not despondent and hopeless (and I hope I never get there).

As I mentioned on Saturday, I'm worried. I feel twinges and pains (probably ones I've experienced every month of my life) yet they worry me now. I wonder, are the tumours growing? Are they spreading? What's with the weird pain in my thigh?

I read (in a damn book) that sometimes chemo doesn't always work as anticipated. So now I wonder if my chemo isn't shrinking my tumours and they're growing rampant in my abdomen. Even though this combination of drugs has been proven to best fight ovarian cancer, I am now irrationally questionning their effectiveness.

Maybe the biggest worry - and the one I'd shoved back in my subconscious until I got my surgery date - is that when they open me up, they'll discover the cancer is far worse than originally anticipated. Then what?

I also have a cold and didn't feel quite right on the weekend, which lowered my mood more.

But I did have some fun, which allowed me shift the focus away from me and the worries in my mind for a little while, which was exactly what I needed. I celebrated a 25th wedding anniversary on Saturday and we visited our bald (and now not so bald) friends on a whim in Port Franks - affectionately known as the spa - yesterday. Those activities helped.

I'm trying to stay positive - and boy, was I positive most of last week. I know it's better for me all around. It helps me focus on beating this cancer. It'll help me mentally prepare for surgery and recovery.

Some days are harder than others.

But I'm trying. I hope I can refocus and turn it around today. I'm having lunch with my sister, which is always good. And friends are coming over tonight (when I'll be able to wish my friend, Jacqueline a happy birthday + one day).

Maybe if you could all think positive thoughts today, it'll rub off on me. ;)

Tina